ROCKUMENTARY ON DAVE TV !

Dave TV has dug out I DRINK THEREFORE I AM, the classic rockumentary of the late Pug's immortal life and they plan to show it soon. The prog delves deep into the murky heart and artistic hopes of this musical icon and inspirational figure from his tragic youth as a boarder at one of the UK's most expensive public schools, through the loss of his teeth, hair and vocal chords, through his several near-fatal doses of the clap and even the time he tried to fill in on guitar at Reading and the head of Stratocaster flew over personally to wipe the name off his instrument. It finishes with his death - ripped untimely from us - at the age of 38 when his facial piercings got struck by lightning on a golf course. The show contains tributes from Ozzy, Page and Plant and the whole of Metallica. Tommy Lee calls him 'the missing link between music and noise.' His mum discloses exclusively that Pug only cried once in his entire life, when he couldn't untangle the Christmas lights. Gavvers Whitehead is on there telling us about the time Pug said to him, 'I hate music, especially when it's played'. And there's Pug himself in outpatients after he injured a groin muscle, not his own, flying off the stage into the crowd. The journo asks him, 'Are you Pug?' Pug goes, 'What's left of him.' So the journo goes, 'What have you learned from your mistakes?' He waggles his ear as if he's got a bee in it and he says, 'What mistakes?' Unmissable, guys.

NEW LINE-UP

Ok, there've bin a few changes to the line-up again. Slammer and Ballsout Jim are gone. May they depart in peace. Jim's been replaced as our permanent drummer by Beerboobs MacAuley who sat in so brilliantly that time we supported the Stones on their tour of Antarctica. Don't matter, Jim's no loss, his drumming was as subtle as two skeletons at it on a tin roof.

Pornstar's our new rhythm guitar and I must say it's refreshing to have somebody competent on there. He refined his skills in a Goth band, until he discovered he had too much self-esteem. Now his power-chord combos are the biggest blast since Hiroshima. Slammer's technique was the one note on the one string thing, which worked for Neil Young but the Sword, well, we command the best.

The vibe is really good for us now - tight as a gnat's arse, loose as a whore's drawers, know what I mean. Can't wait to let you fans appreciate our musicianship. Cos this band's got the awesomest fans in the whole rocking world. You guys really know how important it is to us to make the art that we do and to be true to who we are. Like I said to a blind groupie the other night, I really gotta hand it to you.

BAND HISTORY!

A fan has offered to write up a history of the band. He's only 22 so he was in amniotic fluid during some of our finest hours and we need your help. My mum's pulled out a review from her local paper in 1987 saying we were 'intriguing and defying easy categorisation', which I remember we took as an insult at the time. But it did say that if our playing was a fight, they'd stop it in the first round, which we took as the highest praise. Didn't somebody say music critics are there to show the band what it's like to have a wife? When our blessed lead singer Gavin Whitehead joined us, a church mag said he'd do a great job in 'taking up the creative reins of the band', which was also a fucking insult. But now it turns out that Gav remembers everything that's happened since he joined, so that's useful. The rest of us (there's just me now from the original line-up and the roadies) were far too wrecked to remember much else so can anybody help? Comments section please.

NEW CONCEPT DOUBLE DISC ...

Yeah! Our new album BELIEVER FEVER will be unleashed on the grateful world this summer. We trust this will consolidate our position as lead, must-see, heavy metal band in the UK, even if some of it is about Jesus.

PORNSTAR'S HOMELESS, guys - the girlfriend's dumped him again. Any offers?